The Truth. The Whole Truth. And Nothing But The Truth.

I've been living a lie. I've been lying to you, to myself, and to every other person in my life. It's time to come clean about it all now. To face the truth and to stop the lies.

I have told you all for a very long time that I had my eating disorders under control and that I was no longer living with them. I have convinced you all, as well as myself, that I am okay; mentally, emotionally and physically. It has come to the point now that I must admit that I'm not. I have lied about my eating habits, made up meals to cover my lack of them, and blamed my illnesses on other things in life. The truth isn't something that has been easy for me to face, to admit, or to come to terms with. In fact, I can't honestly say that I have come to terms fully with this, but it has come to a point where I know that things HAVE to change before it is too late. Before I end up hospitalized or dead.

The truth is that I have an eating disorder, which has gotten to the point that it has control over my life. It wasn't until a few days ago that I was forced to come to terms with the fact that its not just a diet. Although even now, I'd much rather continue to pretend it is. I don't know exactly what my disorder would be called, however, much of it would fall under the category of Anorexia Nervosa.

I can't tell you how long this has been going on. I honestly have not had control over my eating habits since the high school. It has become worse as time has gone on and has finally come to a point which I can no longer pretend to be in control.

I eat no more than 700 calories on a 'slacking day' and no more than 500 on a normal day. If I eat anything that I think will make me gain weight or I eat too much, I punish myself by purging and running. I find myself eating small things with high sugar content to try and get some energy from it, but even that doesn't work anymore. My usual day consists of eating a fruit or vegetable for lunch and whatever random thing I find for supper. Usually nothing more than half a sandwich.

Because of my habits my blood pressure has dropped. I often lose feeling in my hands and feet now. I have constant headaches and nausea as well as frequent black outs. I am tired all the time and my muscles and joints ache. My hair is starting to fall out now, and the last few times I have run I've ended up gasping for air and coughing to the point in which my throat bleeds. I know that I should probably be in the hospital right now, but I will not go. That would honestly only make things worse for me.

I know that this is not going to be an easy battle, and I honestly don't even know if it is one that I can win, but now that I have been forced to face the reality of the situation and my own health I have to try.